


Desire

by eab5c5



Category: SECHSKIES (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Kink Exploration, Lingerie, Other, because i like writing about the trope of sad closeted just below middle-aged man, character introspection, how tf do you tag things, i mean i guess, not really but, thinking about s e x y things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 12:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17121740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eab5c5/pseuds/eab5c5
Summary: There are a lot of things Jiwon wants.





	Desire

**Author's Note:**

> Somewhere in the year 2018 Eun Jiwon realizes how sad his existence is, or maybe that's just the self-loathing talking. // Oof. Hello, hello - I like imagining Eun Jiwon in lingerie and crying during sex, so, uh, oops here's this. It's not graphic or anything, barely scratches the surface. Whatever. This is kind of embarrassing so I'm gonna stop talking now. Enjoy!

  There are a lot of things Jiwon wants.

  Given, almost everyone in the entire world has something they want, but Jiwon is nothing if not dramatic and chooses to wallow in his mixed feelings about these particular things he _wants_ \- so bad. Thoughts that keep him up at night, tossing and turning in bed. Thoughts that blindside him when walking past shop windows on a busy street. Thoughts that he's pretty sure would ruin any reputation he has among his small circle of friends. 

  Jiwon mostly tries to ignore them. Maybe if he was fifteen years younger and a little more on the, well...pretty side he'd give it a chance. As it is Jiwon knows that's not him. He's just hopped over forty, scares children with his Resting Angry Face™ and laughs like a horse. 

  His self-esteem has never been lower. 

  Sometimes he does let his mind wander to those things he wants. Wonders if maybe they'd help him in someway, but then his imagination gets the best of him and he feels even more self-depreciating than he did before. _What's the point?_

  Jiwon accepts that he isn't what he wants - will never _be_ what he wants - but he's still allowed to hate that.

  The thing is, maybe Jiwon also wants change. Change in himself or around him or society or what-the-fuck-ever. He's not gonna go out of his way to do it though. No, far too embarrassing, far too _risky_  to even attempt, because above all (above his wants and desires and I need this so bads) is the fear. Jiwon can't shake off the fear of someone finding these things out. Of shaming him or using it against him. Jiwon simultaneously loathes and fears being _weak_. 

  And yet, there are still so many things he _wants_.

  Soft, warm, wet, pretty. Friends tell him he needs to find another girl, someone he can really settle down with (or at least coerce into a one night stand). They take his drunken ramblings as want of something beautiful he can take apart with his own two hands. Unwrap a present that is the clasp of a woman's bra against her pale, smooth back.

  None of them could even fathom the idea of Jiwon himself being the one wearing such risque clothing. Eun Jiwon? In baby pink lingerie?

  Yeah, right.

  (Maybe that's why he keeps the rash purchase of such a thing - burgundy, lace, on the edge of being too small - buried in the bottom corner of his dresser. If anyone finds it he'll just say it was for his ex-wife, forgot to throw it out, too lazy to do it now...)

  Jiwon is completely one hundred percent sure that no one has thought it possible for him to be the one on his back, head against the pillows and waiting for the direction of someone else. The phantom figure above that does exactly as he wants. _Gives_ Jiwon everything he wants - no, _needs_. Until he's pretty sure the metaphorical pot is going to boil over into something like crying or begging or some intoxicating combination of both. Jiwon needs...

  To stop thinking about this. These are _wants_ , not needs. Jiwon is perfectly capable of hiding them, and he most certainly can get by for the rest of his life without them. Yes, yes he can. 

  He tries to stop thinking completely as he goes to sleep at night. He can't afford any distractions. 

  There are a lot of things Jiwon wants. 

  Things he's never going to get. 


End file.
